Love.....

Love is like a Match Stick.
It Burns only once.
---Kenney Jacob

Loneliness

I experienced what loneliness is last week. I went to blore to attend FOSS.in and stayed in a lodge room. No friends anywhere near. Felt really lonely. Its one hell of a feeling. Never want to lonely in my life again, not even for a moment. during those days I realized that I am a social animal.

Time

Time is a bastard.... time forgets, time forgives and I dont want to forget and forgive. My memories are losing sharpness... I am unable to dream. Dreams were my only companions and they are now failing me. I am being pushed back in to the real world .... where all my dreams were shattered. I dont want to go back there ..... I want to live in my dreams..... I want to live my memories.... but time.... the villian..... the fight is on..... for my memories and for my dreams.... for the pain I carry... and for the pain that keeps me going.... I must survive the effects of time.... I must not forget... and I must not forgive....

Unfortunate moment

The most unfortunate moment........ It was all red.... with some violet and white patches....there was an elephant.. the one animal i am most afraid of....the animal that haunts me every night.... there was this music in the background...the old classical type..... the one which I hate most.... everybody had their hands raised... and there were the traders.... making sure that the sale happened... and there was the butcher.... all happy....

Reality is dead for me. I no longer live in the real world. I live in a fabricated world where dreams keep me alive. Dreams of the past. All those moments I dream about... And my only prayer is to have it all the time. When ever I sleep I think of all those moments..... those precious moments.... but i didnt know their value..... I started missing them only when i lost it. I am devaststed at the thought that those moments would never come back. They are lost for ever. and the pain is enormous... but i have started to like it. My dreams give me pain of it......Pain is an addiction... and I keep picking my wounds to keep the pain fresh. Memories are my cocaine..... and dreams are my dope...For the real world I am dead..... I exist only in dreams...dreams....and my only prayer is to die dreaming of all those moments...

Unrequited Love

I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespear said.. journeys end in lovers meeting. ahhh what an extra ordinary thought. personally I have never experienced anything remotely close to that. But I am more than willing to believe, shakespear had. I suppose I think about love more than any one really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter an define our lives. It was shakespear who also said.. Love is Blind...And now that is something that I know to be true.

For some ...quite inexplicably.... love fades..... for others... love is simply lost. But then ofcourse... love can also be found.... even if just for a night. And then there is another kind of love..... the cruelest kind..... the one that almost kills its victims.....its called unrequited love....of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with eachother.....but what about the rest of us.... what about our stories...those of us who fall in love alone....we are the victims of the one sided affair....we are the cursed of the loved ones..... we are the unloved ones....the walking wounded.....the handicaped without the advantage of a great parking
space......


Taken from the movie - "The Holiday"

I just love the movies...

I love movies..... Without movies I would have been a lesser perfect
man......Im not suggesting that im a perfect man... Im wondering
whether i have passed my childhood.
Movies have let me experience a wide range of emotions.... emotions
that are never accessible to me in the real life. Some movies are soo
perfect.... the situations.... the characters.....their behaviour....
you can see them walking on the road.... and without those movies....
I am not myself.... I wish if life were a movie... well directed.....
with a perfect ending....the ever after story.....

Colours of hatred

Recently I was listening to a book named "Blink". The Topic of the book is the power of quick decisions based on intuition. The author after long years of study suggests that we are capable of making the best decision with out going over a complex and conscious thought process. Initially the concept looks absurd, but after going through his exercises and logical examples the concept seems feasible and really interesting.

The author speaks about conditioning of mind in a chapter. He says that conditioning makes our decisions wrong. Once such strong concept he presents is the use of symbols and the thoughts associated with them. Such strong associations can affect our thought process even without our conscious knowledge.

His examples suggests that most of the americans are gender and colour biased, not in their conscious minds but in their subconscious minds. And this is mainly caused by the media and symbols that we associate with these people.

And we are seeing the same situation now in india also.

Terrorism is associated with muslims, Saffron is associated with Extreme Hinduism, and if the current situation proceeds cassock of Christian priests will become the symbol of fraud and manipulative power. All these symbols are not definitive symbols, but we are sub consciously trained to make first impressions based in these symbols. Also we condition our behaviour to those people who wear these symbols.

So what can we do to undo all these subconscious training..... well thats what I also want to find out... let me listen to the rest of the book also. Wait.... for a few days....

It's never been easy for me
To find words to go along with a melody
But this time there's actually something on my mind
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines
Since I met you my whole life has changed
It's not just my furniture you've re-arranged
I was living in the past
But somehow you've brought me back
and I haven't felt like this since before Frankie said relax
and now I know based on my track record
I might not seem like the safest bet
All I'm asking you is
Don't write me off just yet



For years I've been telling myself the same old story
That I'm happy to live off my so called former glories
but you've given me a reason
to take another chance
now I need you despite the fact
that you've killed all my plants
and now I know
i've already blown more chances
than anyone should ever get
all I'm asking you is
don't write me off just yet
don't write me off just yet

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need `em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Ohhhhh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light

Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I’ll be there for you in the end

I Killed my angel

Today morning I wake up and sit in front on my laptop loooking at some picures..........havent looked at them in a while.... old ones... and then I suddenly realised.... what I have lost..... I had everything.... but I didnt know... now that its lost for ever...... no chance to reclaim it... An angel found me... but I was foolish enough to kill it.... and kill it many times over and over again... I was selfish..... and blind.... Now that I have changed.... the angel is no more... I keep looking for my angel.... But its nothing like your angel finding you.......

The DON

Don will you everything you need, Don will give you money, Don will give you wine, Don will give you women.... Don will give you everything you need.... and in the end Don will kill you.

Courtesy -: A friend of mine.

Not my game anymore

Inabilities.... I have a lot of them.... Everybody does... and when I find out one I try to overcome it... in a natural way.... somtimes I succed..... sometimes I fail... If I fail I try again...... but....when It becomes a competition.....when I am put behind somone due to my inability...... when I am compared with someone better in the area...thats not a good feeling.... and then I learn... I sit down... I analyse... I study and I enter the field again... and still... there is no improvement....and still I am unable to outdo the competition.... that really hurts...and I repeat the whole process... again and again... and still... Im behind... and thats when I realise... "NOT MY GAME ANYMORE"

Being a Man

There was a time to show it... and I was not a man enough then. and it showed... I was afraid of the world... now I hate it..... I was forced to do stupid things... and the stupidest of things happend. Bottles emptied... Lifes messed up.... and when it comes to pay the price, I paid in tears.... costs me nothing.... but.... someone paid for it with their life... for my mistake.... for me not being a man enough....got to mature.....and in the process... many more lives to sacrified.... just to make me a man enough....

Something that I learned the hard way

Somethings are a habit to us. Somethings we learn from our family, friends etc with out much effort. But some things are not at all easy.... and this is one thing I learned the hard way.

"You have to sell yourself consciously"

I always had a belief that whatever we deserve cos of our ability will come to us. If I am honest, if I am good at what I do, I will be recognized. But its not at all true. You will have to sell yourself.... To some people its a very natural activity. And for some its not. But many of the times you will have to do it consciously. Whether its about a job interview, a client meeting, a social gathering or getting a girl... the selling part is of paramount importance....